Friday, May 11, 2007 9:01 PM, CDT

Hello Everyone,
I have a two parter here! And I messed up when I was cutting and pasting it so you probably have four messages in your inboxes telling you there’s an update!! Sorry!!! I actually keep messing it up so who knows how many messages you now have!!
It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. Well actually it’s been almost a week and last I left you all I was coming off my thoroughly enjoyable stay at UMass. Here’s a summary of my week’s events:
Monday I went for my Procrit shot. My red blood cell count was at 10.8 which is good and would explain why I felt so healthy last week.
Tuesday was Steven’s ninth birthday….nine years old. It feels like yesterday that he was born and I’m sure as a parent it will always feel like yesterday. It’s amazing to watch your kids grow isn’t it? It all happens so gradually but sometimes it feels like you notice it all at once. He grew so much since last fall that he really can’t wear a lot of his shorts and he just looks a little bit older.
Katie has her first loose tooth—finally. Steven lost teeth during his Kindergarten year left and right and he was only five years old for most of that year. Katie is six and hasn’t lost a tooth yet. She’s so excited.
When I was first diagnosed I felt like my life was slipping through my hands like sand. Now instead of feeling like it’s slipping away, I feel like I’ve learned how to slow it down and truly appreciate a boy’s ninth birthday and a girl’s first loose tooth and the beauty of a dandelion (which my girls love to pick as if they were roses or tulips and reminds me of how much I liked to pick them when I was their age).
When I last posted much of the talk surrounded my pericardial effusion. Dr. Walsh ordered a CT scan (which was done today versus 5/21 as originally planned) and a consultation with Dr. Uy (my Thoracic Surgeon) to discuss options for draining my effusion.
My consultation with Dr. Uy was this afternoon at 2:00. He began the meeting by telling me that if the fluid around my heart is cancer it is a very bad thing which scared the crap out of me. I almost felt sick to my stomach. While the amount of fluid around my heart isn’t alarming, it’s the mystery of what’s causing the effusion that has everyone concerned.
Dr. Uy was quite definitive when he said our priorities here are to diagnose the fluid and determine a solution. He doesn’t feel surgery, the pericardial window, is necessary for my case. He would rather see a Cardiologist go into the lining and drain the fluid instead. The fluid would then be tested for cancer. If the fluid accumulated again, surgery will be necessary.
If the surgery is necessary there are two options for draining the fluid: It can either be directed to my stomach (gross) or into the chest cavity. Dr. Uy looked at me and said, “I’m not trying to give you false hope and I have no science to back this up, but I really think you’re going to be around for a long time.” Even if it isn’t based in science, this is an opinion I enjoy hearing! Therefore, he would not recommend the stomach draining because if I’m around long enough and there is cancer in the fluid, I would likely develop cancer in my stomach. However, if he drains it into the chest cavity, it’s more of a zero sum game because I already have disease in my chest.
So we have some things to think about. Dr. Uy made a note to check on my CT scan after it was completed.
My CT scan was at 4:20 and I had to be there an hour early and my friend Dreah came to sit with me in the waiting room. It was great to have company and kind of pathetic to say that we had fun in a waiting room. Thank you Dreah for your company and for making me laugh. I’m familiar with how a CT scan goes but I almost had another panic attack when I was having it done. Can’t quite figure out why that’s happening but the attack is quick so it’s not like I’m totally freaking out; I just quietly feel myself losing control.
As I’m sure with any cancer patient, I’m nervous about the results of my scan. It was done 10 days earlier than scheduled. I’m a procrastinator at heart so there is a big part of me that wishes it wasn’t until the 21st. While I’d like to hear good news as soon as possible, I’d rather put off hearing any bad news.