Monday, August 13, 2007 8:49 PM, CDT

Hello everyone,
Oh my, I have another two parter!!! Sorry!!!!
Part I
I started round 12 today and am hoping for full steam ahead. Today, we met with Christine, the Nurse Practioner and all my counts were great so treatment was a go. I’ll get de-accessed on Wednesday, have my PET scan on Wednesday and get my Neulasta shot on Thursday.
My last Neulasta shot made my legs ache like you cannot imagine. The Neulasta stimulates the white cell growth in my bone marrow so pain is a side effect. And I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was in pain but my legs were very sore and tired. Almost the way you feel after a great work out—hmmmmm….and I vaguely remember what that is like!!! J I spent most of that day just sitting in my beach chair at the Holden Pool. Thank you to Karen Gardner who tirelessly played with my girls in the water. “Hey Karen, look at this….” “Hey Karen, watch me” “Hey Karen can you swing me around again??” THANK YOU!!! We’ll see what this Thursday brings.
As I was parking myself in my beach chair, I had the chance to visit with Patty Hurley whom I babysat for when she was pregnant with the twins. Patty, I loved the opportunity to catch up with you!! It is always great to talk to you. You’re an incredibly special, vivacious person!! I can’t believe that Joe is heading into his senior year at Fairfield and Eileen is attending Simmons in the fall….that makes me feel soooo old!! Be prepared for a phone call from me asking any of the three remaining girls to baby sit. And I would love to catch a field hockey game in the fall. However, I just want to make it clear that I will not be cheering for Notre Dame (sorry the green and white in me just can’t allow me to do that!!!!) but I will cheer on Maura and Elizabeth and I’m hoping Sheila will be playing as well. Wachusett and Notre Dame were fierce field hockey rivals in the mid-80’s and some of the best games of my life were played against Notre Dame so I just can’t bring myself to do it!! J
And, while I’m talking about the Hurley clan, thank you to Patty, Eileen and Sheila who took my kids to the Holden Pool last week for a few hours. I was able to get a ton of stuff done! Thank YOU!!!!
Today, Christine, Greg and I talked about the maximum toxicity with the Oxaliplatin. Most patients receive a maximum of 12 rounds, which is where I am right now. Some patients reach their maximum at 8 rounds so I guess I’m doing well at 12. I may have mentioned this before but signs of maximum toxicity are peripheral neuropathy. I have the neuropathy that is sensitive to cold temps but the peripheral is more of a constant thing. Two of my toes are somewhat numb a lot of the time but the rest of my toes are fine and my fingers are fine. Dr. Walsh and Christine told me that if I start to trip and stumble a lot (which I’m a natural klutz so will it be possible for me to trip and stumble more than I do??!!) we’ll have to stop treatment. Or if I have a hard time handling coins and keys, or putting in earrings, or manipulating necklace clasps, I will be at maximum toxicity (just for fun, try to say that a few times out loud—it’s kind of hard..doesn’t really roll of the tongue!!). So far I have none of the symptoms but will keep an eye on it. Peripheral neuropathy is temporary but may take a year for it to go away.
I’ve also lost my sense of taste which is really a bummer because I love to eat!!! Once I’m off the Oxaliplatin, my taste buds will kick back into action in about a month or two. According to my calculations, that should be just in time for Halloween candy and Thanksgiving Dinner!! J
I’m struggling lately with the enormity of my situation. Things have been going well, I feel great and my scans have all come back with positive results, however the fear is there and it’s very real. The hope is that things will continue to progress, however, as I’ve said so many times before, there are no guarantees. I saw the obituary for Charity Nolan who died on August 8 after a three year battle with breast cancer and my heart breaks for a 33 year old mother of three who died way too early. And our friend Mike is watching his wife Mackenzie struggle through the late stages of her cancer and he’s forced with the agonizing task of arranging Hospice care as I write this. Mackenzie is also only 33 years old. Stories like these shake me to my core.
The question “Why me” is a natural human reaction to a tragic situation. And of course I’ve asked myself that same question. However, it’s a lonely, empty question because there is no one who can provide the answer. It doesn’t matter if you’re asking on your knees during a moment of total angst, grief and despair and it can only come out as a whisper or if you’re screaming it at the tops of your lungs in a fit of anger. The answer is always a deafening silence.