Monday, October 22, 2007 5:43 PM, CDT

Hi Everyone,
I’m getting ready for my PET/CT scan and I’m scared. What am I scared of? Everything. Well, everything except good news!
I’ve had a rough couple of weeks leading up to this first post-remission scan. Why you ask? Because I’m worried I’ve let my guard down. I feel like I’ve stopped fighting and now I’m waiting. I’m waiting to see what’s next.
Yes, I’m having the maintenance chemo which is just the 5FU and not the Oxaliplatin. The 5FU was the chemo of choice for colon cancer up until a few years ago. Oxaliplatin is new to the scene so I’m still receiving treatment. And good treatment at that.
And with the end of the fight for me comes the anxiety. Yes, I’m still fighting—with chemo, with medical intervention and with my spirit. However, when does the other shoe drop? I keep waiting and I keep crying. Geez the crying is crazy. It’s comes on suddenly and it’s deep sobbing. Not just a few tears, it’s on my knees sobbing.
I’ve made my mother and Greg nervous because they think I’ve got symptoms which would lead me to believe the remission is over. I don’t. I’m just scared. And crazy as it sounds I’m more scared than I’ve been in months.
I’ve had a few great conversations with Dr. Walsh during my last few treatments. They’ve been casual and candid. Instead of being in an examining room with a notebook and a million questions, he’s stopped by my infusion room (room?? It’s a small area surrounded by curtains—right next to the next person getting an infusion), pulled up a chair and we’ve talked. Just talked.
He told me he doesn’t expect to see anything more on the PET scan than the last time. He doesn’t have a lot of statistical data on metastatic colon cancer survivors. I’m not really sure why—I forgot to ask. Is it because they’re all……DEAD???? UGH.
Apparently when colon cancer comes back it’s not at the three month checkup. It’s usually at the six or nine month check up. Awesome. Something to look forward to.
However, he used metastatic breast cancer as an example. Here’s what he told me:
There are women who have metastatic breast cancer who are told they have 18 months-3 years to live. However, about 10% of those women are alive ten years later and they’re cancer free. And the doctors don’t know why!! Dr. Walsh has put his bets on the fact that I’ll be in that 10%. I’m with him. I hope!! J
Okay here are the numbers I’m looking to maintain or beat with my scan: Just to remind you that any tumor with a hypermetabolic rate of less than 4 is good. My biggest tumor in my lung was at 2.7 and my mediastinum had a rate of 3.0. Let’s hope they stay there.
I keep telling my mother that I’d like to find someone with a crystal ball who can tell me what is going to happen. Then I joke with my sister that I’d like to find a Ouija board so we can have a good old fashioned séance. Come on girls remember those slumber parties when we were little. We’d pull out the Ouija board and we’d gather around one girl and with two fingers from each or our hands under her back we’d chant: “Light as a feather, stiff as a board.” J Oh it cracks me up just thinking about it.
There are no crystal balls and there won’t be a séance and I’ve used the quote before: “The only way out is through.” So I plug along and wait for test results. And I wait to see what the future holds.
But I have to tell you that I am envious of every single one of you. When I see you at book club, or at curriculum night, or at Fall Festival, or at a play date, or at the grocery store, I’m jealous. I wish I could change places with you. Sometimes I drive away crying and sometimes it doesn’t hit me until I’m home. I so wish I could be you.
But I am looking forward to seeing the show Wicked in Boston. I’m going Thursday night with Tammy Pedjoe. She was my best friend growing up and the one with who I always looked forward to watching the Wizard of Oz. I can’t wait to see her and I can’t wait to see the show.
And plese don’t think I’m all doom and gloom. I’m not. How can I be full of doom and gloom when the Red Sox are heading to the World Series and the Patriots are just so damn fun to watch!!! We’re wrapping up soccer season here at our house and looking forward to winter lacrosse and basketball (crap…did I miss basketball sign ups????? Does anyone know???). We’re also looking forward to Halloween and Thanksgiving and then Christmas (eek…did I just say Christmas. Oh that brings on its own stress!!! And its own tears!! J)
I’m just having a rough time and thought I would share it with you. I have to tell you that for some strange reason I think I will be fine. And I think I will be around for a long time. But I’ve got this monkey on my back. And damnit, he’s not going anywhere anytime soon!!!
Have a good one.
Love,
Kim