Monday, March 19, 2007 9:06 PM, CDT

Part II
She was one of the first people to acknowledge that I was scared to death. Faith gave us her phone number in case we had any questions over the weekend or in the following weeks. Then she gave me a hug.
Do you think that is a coincidence? I don’t. Thank you Auntie Donna for sending Faith out into that waiting room right at that moment to soften my experience. You made sure I could see a familiar face; a kind face who took care of you when you were sick and scared and sad.
It’s hard to explain how scared and sad you are when you have cancer. I’m surrounded by so many people who love me and who support me every day. But the only thing they can’t do for me is understand the fear in the pit of my stomach and the ache in my heart at the thought of my life ending long before I planned it would. There is no guarantee for any of us that we’ll live to be old and see our grandchildren. However, there is a certain assumption that we will.
Auntie Donna understands. She's walked this road before me and she knows it can be dark and it can be scary. Thank You. I love you.
I don’t spend my time in the dark places anymore. I’ve decided to focus on living and making sure I have as much fun as I can every day. I’ve heard so many stories of survivors who have beaten the odds. I plan on being one of them.
I had my second infusion today. Today was my first out-patient infusion so I had it at Dr. Walsh’s office. Guess who was my infusion nurse? Faith. My nurse is on vacation this week. I’ve never met my nurse. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Faith would be the first one to access my port either. Thank you again Auntie Donna.
Which just makes a lovely segue way into the question of the day: Did accessing my port hurt? NO!!!!!!!!! Not one little bit. Faith applied the Emla cream and we waited about 30-45 minutes for it to numb up. I really thought it would hurt. However, when it came time, I never felt a thing…not one thing!! I literally said, “That’s it?” So, as predicted it was much ado about nothing. Didn’t you just know it would be like that? Apparently, the Emla is the way to go.
Thank you Kevin for your suggestion. Next time we’ll make sure we fill the prescription and put the Emla on before we leave the house so we’ll be ready for the access and we don’t have to waste time at clinic.
However, in an attempt to take the edge off my anxiety, I took 1 mg of Lorazepam before the infusion. I don’t know what it really does to ease my anxiety because all it seems to do for me is make me tired and it makes me have weird dreams. When Greg and I were driving home today, I fell asleep and dreamed that the Tawny Scrawny Lion wouldn’t let me have my infusion pump. I was quite upset. What is that all about??? I can assure you that the Tawny Scrawny Lion was not at clinic today and he certainly didn’t want my pump. And I will promise you that the next time I take a full mg of Lorazepam, I’ll make sure I’m safe and sound at home so I can be sure I don’t make a fool out of myself! But then again, I think I do a great job of that without anti-anxiety meds.
Yes, I’ve been sent home with my fanny pack. However, I think I’ll talk about that tomorrow. There’s so much to say about it.
Thank you to Karen Gardner for a great meal tonight! And thank you for spending time with me during my infusion. You’re a great friend!
Thank you for all your encouraging emails today and your posts. I can’t tell you how much they mean to me. So many of you reached out to me yesterday and today to wish me luck. Thank You. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be surrounded by such caring, loving people.
Love,
Kim